In blackjack-ese, that is. I don’t feel like I’m losing, but I am not really winning either. So, it could certainly be worse. It’s better than being dealt a 20, only to watch the dealer turn over a 21.
But I wonder, what if this is as good as it gets? What can or should I be doing differently? This is not to be read as a complaint, by any means, only an observation. The scale tips heavily on the “satisfaction” side of the scale for life in general. But I still feel like it’s just a push.
| Well, I talked to my mom this morning when I got off work. My step-sis told my step-dad that she didn’t need detox. Or treatment. And he is taking her side. I don’t get it. I don’t know much about heroine, but I do know that is a much more intense withdrawal than alcohol. My dad went into cardiac arrest twice from alcohol detox. I don’t even want to imagine what heroine detox would be like. My guess is she is just pulling the wool over her dad’s eyes and will continue with her addiction. Another sad thing about it is that he is blaming everyone BUT her for her problems. I understand that it has been a pattern for him to do this, but at some point, I would think, as a parent one would wake up and see that the kid needs help. SERIOUS help. Like, yesterday. And it puts such a strain on my mom and their marriage. All I can do is pray. And all I want to do right now is SLEEEEEEEP! Nite-nite |
I have yet to hear anything about my step-sister. I’m working the night shift and I figure no news is good news at this time of day.
I did stumble across this and thought it was quite humorous, especially given my strike outs lately. Nothing particularly bad but nothing fantastic. Certainly nothing worth a second go around. I think I am old and picky and set in my ways. I lowered my standards before and that is mistake that I will not repeat. Anyway, I hope you find this link as funny as I did.
The first one is funny. And the second one is not funny. At all. In fact, it is extremely sad. So we will start with funny.
My friend, Melanie, went to Boston recently and I gave her some money to get Jake a Harvard t-shirt. Today, I gave the shirt to Jake to wear and explained to him that if he graduates from this university, then he can work anywhere he wants. His response? “You mean I can even work in Mexcio?!?”
Yes, that would be my luck. Shell out 200K for an education and he goes on to make 5 grand PER YEAR working in Mexico. He totally cracks me up.
Now for the sad. My step-sister had been on heroine for a while. She was on it years ago, came clean and now is back on it hard core. My step-dad has supported her and defended her for years, despite her behavior. A couple of years ago, she lost custody of her son. The story is long and she is just a train wreck. And while I feel some sympathy for her, my heart breaks for my step-dad. He had tried and given her every opportunity to get her life together. He gives her tens of thousands of dollars every year to “help” her. At this time, she is homeless, jobless, friendless and has an incredibly strong addiction. She agreed to treatment, but then ran off and said she would be back later tonight. I feel strong empathy for my step-dad because she is doing to him what my dad did to my sisters and I. Nothing is more frustrating than pouring yourself into someone, hoping and praying this person starts to make GOOD choices and turn his or her life around. I picture a black hole swirling and all efforts and love and support get sucked in and tossed into nowhere. The pain that causes is indescribable. All we can do at this point is pray and hope for her sake and the sake of my step-dad that she can and will pull herself together. Keep them in your prayer if it crosses your mind.
| Working on a psych unit, there are generally times of the year when we slow down and our census is low. Christmas time is usually one of them. Not this year. We have been crazy busy and I have been working tons.
What makes me sad is that the hospital is better than being at home for these people. I know that many have burned bridges with family and have few, if any friends. Many do have children, though. But they prefer being in the hospital. I can not imagine not wanting to be with friends and family on the holidays. Even if I had no family, I have friends that I would celebrate with. It just seems really sad to me. I noticed myself tonight being extra nice, thoughtful and considerate to the patients. I didn’t necessarily plan on it, it just happened. And most are extremely grateful, which reinforces the behavior. After my shift tonight, I decided that I need to try to be on my game and sincerely meet the needs that arise. If being in the hospital is better than being at home, then for this week, I am family to these people. Every little kind act makes such a huge difference. For the first time in a long time, I am loving my job. Which is good since I am working so much. And it helps me to appreciate all the blessings in my life. I have a great family, for the most part. And some wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. |
There are many perks to working for a school district, one of them being getting 11 days off for Christmas. I am so excited to only be working one job for a couple of weeks and getting to hang out with Jake.
Also, I got my Christmas shopping done today! Yay! Tons of stuff for Jake, of course and then the other random stuff. I don’t think I even need to buy any batteries this year.
I am so blessed to work with some wonderful people. Sue is the quintessential mother. She is so cute and sweet and she tells it like it is. And she puts up with no BS. Marsha is like a sister, we have so much fun! Sue and her husband are taking Marsha and I to dinner at the Argosy next week. It will be so fun. I love having good friends at work-it makes such a huge difference. Though, I know I juggle many roles, I can do it and think I do it pretty well. And, for now, at least it’s working. Tomorrow is my last day of work for the year and I’m so excited and I have the WHOLE day off on Friday. Friends coming in town, too. So much to be grateful for. Most of all….a good night’s sleep! It’s amazing how much of a difference that makes!
One of my favorite songs is “More Love” by the Dixie Chicks. Every line resonates with me, but there is a line that really hits home. Especially now, for some reason.
“We’re afraid to be idle, so we fill up the days. We run on the treadmill, keep slaving away, until there’s no time for talking about trouble in mind and the doors are all closed between your heart and mine.”
Maybe I keep so busy so that I don’t have to deal with issues. Makes sense, I guess. I tried to meditate tonight. It helped a little, but mostly what it did was bring up more issues and emotions to deal with. Great. Like I have time for that.
I am frustrated by the actions of people in general and two people in particular, one of my sisters and a person who I thought was a good friend. My sister is around when it is convienent for her. I pick up my 2-year-old niece for her often. I appreciate having some kind of notice, so that Jake and I don’t get home from our day and get settled and then go pick her up. I prefer to know early in the day, so that I can run errands and plan around it. It is not “on our way” to go get her and take her to my sister’s work. I love to do it, though. I enjoy seeing her and have taken care of her quite a bit in her short life. Anyway, I picked her up today (my sister texted me right about the time Jake was snoozing on the couch) and took her to my sister’s work (Jake fell asleep in the car). When I dropped her off my sister did not say ONE word to me. Nothing. A “Thank you” would have been nice. I am irritated when I am there for her to pick up my niece at the drop of a hat and when she and her husband get in a fight, give her a place to stay when she needs it and still support her in her marriage. Where is the love?
My friend started dating a guy from her work. Her pattern is to drop her friends when she starts seeing someone. I don’t get this. So she has broke 2 plans that we have had in the past 4 days, not to mention the plans broken prior to this weekend. No call, no apology. I would like to know what is going on. If she decides to go do something with him, fine, just let me know. I will at least feel some level of respect, instead of just being blown off. I don’t have a lot of social time-I could do something with someone else…
Am I way off base?
Just ranting. Tired all day, now it’s bedtime and I can’t sleep. Sucks.
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Last night, I was grumpy. Jake was driving me crazy with his ,”Hey, mom!” and “Mom, look!” a kajillion times. I am usually very patient. I kept returning his pleas for attention with a snippy, “WHAT!” I felt bad. And then I was trying to figure out what was wrong? Why am I so irritable?
Then I looked at my calendar. I haven’t had a day off sense December 3rd. And I only had that day off because Jake was sick. Ugh. Next year, I will….slow….down. I have to.
It will get better. I think I do a pretty good job balancing motherhood, work, and then everything else, which includes trying to have a social life, family, exercising(ha!) and sleeping(double ha!). Jake and working 2 jobs takes up a majority of my time, obviously. The small sliver of time that is left, I really have to be careful with. And lately, that time has been nearly non-existent. I’m sure it will take some creativity, but I will get it figured out.
I have also been wanting to go to church lately. I have gone to three churches regularly in the past and I want to start going back to my favorite. Yet, I am embarrassed. It may seem silly, but I feel judged. I know it is just in my head, that it really wouldn’t matter one way or the other whether I showed up or not. But I felt judged when I was a single mom and now being divorced…I don’t know. I know how my life looks from the outside. It is not a pretty picture. I need to look at the situation for what it is: I am wanting to add a necessary component to Jake’s and my life. There is some opposing force trying to convince me otherwise. So, all the more reason to make time to go. Not let it be an option and make it a regular part of our week. Like going to school or work.
I’m tired and rambling and it probably doesn’t even make sense. But there it is. That is where my heart is today. Asleep in a stinky shoe.
I went on my first post-divorce date last week. It was fun. It was good to get out there and get to know someone new. He was nice and all but he kept tlaking about his ex-wife (they have been divorced for 2 years) and his ex-girlfriend (they broke up 11 months ago). Give me a break. I have been divorced a month and, on a date, I will answer questions when specifically asked. I make jokes about the ex in social settings. But I try not to spend a good majority of the conversation talking about what “we” used to do. There is no “we” I have done things with the ex, but to spend a first date reminiscing about what “we” used to do. I heard all about their trips to Eureka Springs and countless other stories. And he would forget what he had talked to me about, so I would hear the same stories. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and go out with him again, if the opportunity arises.
On a positive note, other than his exes, we did have a lot to talk about and it did not feel uncomfortable. I think it has to do with how much I have changed and, finally, feel comfortable in my skin and with who I am. That has been a long, treacherous road, and will be something that I continue to work on.
I don’t particularly like the idea of New Year’s Resolutions. I would like to think that I resolve be a better person and work on specific goals that get me there more often than once a year. My friend Sandy made a “non-resloutions” list of 10 things to do before 2009. I think it’s a great idea. I will be thinking about what mine are/will be. What are yours?
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