I’m riding a Roller Coaster

17 05 2007

And not the fun kind either.  Why do people have to be mean?  And stupid?  Stupid mean is the worst, because they have no justifiable reason to be so.  Just for kicks, I imagine.  Good Lord, get a hobby.  And the DRAMA!!!  I could SO do without the drama.  Just wanna live my life and have fun.  I’m an easy-going, go with the flow, no hassles kind of girl.

Before I left, my debt card had been taken from me.  And I was placed on a $20 per week allowance.  INCLUDING gas.  Anyone seen the prices of gas lately?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Oh yeah, and I was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week.  And it was not enough.  In spite of the 3 jobs, I was able to get our son to and from school and attend field trips and all that.  I was quite impressed with my ability to handle so much.  And I didn’t really mind.  Except the allowance part.  I minded that quite a bit.  But to, then, be told that I contribute nothing, well that was just plain crazy.  Well not plain.  It was rocky road crazy.  Full of nuts and marshmallows for brains.  But I’m out.  The battle is on, for sure.  But now we are playing on my turf. Don’e get me wrong-I’m a lover, not a fighter.  Unless provoked.  And I do believe that I have been provoked.

Just a rant, nothing more.  Move along.

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I wanna go home

15 05 2007

I was listening to this song on my way to my mom’s house on Mother’s Day.  And I started to cry.  I currently have no home.  I have a place to live, a roof, a bed and all that.  But it is not my home.

On May 3rd I filed a Protection of Abuse Order against my husband and made a mad dash to move Jake’s and my stuff out before he was served the paperwork.  I knew on the 2nd that this is what I had to do.  He had referred to himself as the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy.  And he was fitting the bill.  I had been scared of him for a while.  Then he said this.  And then I began to make plans for our escape.  I have NEVER felt such anxiety in my life.  I couldn’t sleep.  I could feel my back reach such tension that I thought someone could shoot me and it would merely ricochet off my back.  I knew it was a possibility. 

But now we are out and he is not allowed to have contact until we go to court.  Jake is doing remarkably well.  And it is nice not fighting or listening to him yell all the time, which is what our relationship consisted of in the end.

We are renting space from someone until the divorce is final, which, unfortunately won’t be  for months.  I do not look forward to court dates and having to see him.  I am scared, but I refuse to live in fear.  If something happens to me, everyone will know where to begin questioning.  I am scared to let Jake visit his dad.  Jake said that he wants cameras put up “just in case.”  I wish I could.

I know it will be fine-that we will get through this. 

At least that is what I keep telling myself.