I wanna go home

15 05 2007

I was listening to this song on my way to my mom’s house on Mother’s Day.  And I started to cry.  I currently have no home.  I have a place to live, a roof, a bed and all that.  But it is not my home.

On May 3rd I filed a Protection of Abuse Order against my husband and made a mad dash to move Jake’s and my stuff out before he was served the paperwork.  I knew on the 2nd that this is what I had to do.  He had referred to himself as the husband in Sleeping with the Enemy.  And he was fitting the bill.  I had been scared of him for a while.  Then he said this.  And then I began to make plans for our escape.  I have NEVER felt such anxiety in my life.  I couldn’t sleep.  I could feel my back reach such tension that I thought someone could shoot me and it would merely ricochet off my back.  I knew it was a possibility. 

But now we are out and he is not allowed to have contact until we go to court.  Jake is doing remarkably well.  And it is nice not fighting or listening to him yell all the time, which is what our relationship consisted of in the end.

We are renting space from someone until the divorce is final, which, unfortunately won’t be  for months.  I do not look forward to court dates and having to see him.  I am scared, but I refuse to live in fear.  If something happens to me, everyone will know where to begin questioning.  I am scared to let Jake visit his dad.  Jake said that he wants cameras put up “just in case.”  I wish I could.

I know it will be fine-that we will get through this. 

At least that is what I keep telling myself. 



One response

17 05 2007
Sandra W

I found your page via Heather B, and I applaud you for having the balls to leave. Not very woman can do that. I was in a verbally abusive relationship for quite sometime and finally decided not leave with my two children. It’s been nearly five years and he just found my blog, but he doesn’t scare me anymore. I found my strength and he’s upset that he can’t break me down anymore. Keep your head up and you’ll be just fine.

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