Then he rubbed his sticky stuff all over my stomach…

19 07 2007

No, this is no story wherein Tina has sex. But, oh how I wish it were. 

  I was working the other day and I began having pain in my right side under my ribs.  And being fortunate enough to work with nurses, I began receiving diagnoses.  Which, really, what it does is induce paranoia. Gallstones! Surgery! Better go to the Emergency Room!  STAT!  So after a fair amount of proding, I made my way downstairs (I work in a hospital) and checked in.  And waited, and waited, and waited. They are not kidding when they call it a “Waiting Room.”  After 2 hours of waiting and the pain pretty much gone at this point, I get put in a room.   I got put in the room across from the desk where a couple of people I work with do the ED behavioral assessments. One of which is a forty some year old perpetual bachelor. I cannot recall a conversation that I’ve had with him when he has looked me in the eye. My tatas are not small.  Think B add 2 letters and double that. So this male likes the boobies, but he no likey commitment.  This is key info for my story; trust me.

So the doctor comes in and says that he is ordering an ultrasound. And when asked if I wanted anything for pain, I just said I don’t care.   Then a girl comes into take me to X-ray.  I have not even seen a nurse at this point.  The x-ray girl tells me to take off my shirt and bra and put on a gown.  My first thought is “they don’t do ultrasounds in X-ray.”  Hmm…oh well.  So the girl steps out so I can change.  Shirt-off.  Bra-off.   Door-open.  OH!  There’s the nurse!  Exposing me and my breasts to the Emergency Room of the hospital that I work at!  Because I expose them regularly at places where I am not employed.  And there sits Mr. Can’t-take-my-eyes-off-the-tatas-when-they-are-covered. 

“Excuse me!” I scream. “Ever heard of knocking!”

So she closes the door and IMMEDIATELY reopens it.  I didn’t even have time to unfold the gown.

“What are you doing?!?”  I shout. But I was thinking-this is NOT a free show!  Nor is it a freak show, depending on how you look at it.  So I barely get myself covered, when she comes in to give me a shot. In the ass.  This day just gets better and better.  And let me just say that the shot hurt WAY worse than my side did. And it bled and bled.  Do you think she bothered to put a bandaid on it? Hell no, this woman doesn’t even bother to knock! 

So I go to x-ray, get that done, get back to the room and the doctor comes in to say his secretary ordered the wrong thing, that I still need an ultrasound, blah, blah, blah.  Which translates into MORE WAITING.  And, I’m sure, more money.

After a while the guy comes to take me to get the ultrasound done.  He was so nice and cute and he fondled me in a way, well, let’s just say it has been a long time since there has been that kind of action going with this body. 

lay here… lift your gown… sticky stuff… rubby  rubby…roll over… rubby rubby 

You get the picture.

I went through all of this in a matter of FIVE hours to find out that I have stomach problems.  What?   You mean my steady diet of caffeine, cigarettes and vodka is wreaking havoc on my digestive tract? Absurd! 

Not to mention the stress of a divorce, custody issues, attorney fees, and needing to find a place to live.

Please, tell me it will get better. 


Romeo, Romeo….

2 07 2007

This story is almost too much for me.  It’s embarrassing, humiliating, yet exciting.  I’m really not sure how to feel about what transpired, so I’ll just spill it.

I work with a nurse who has been trying to set me up with her son for well over two years.  Timing was always off for him and me, so we never met and I got reeled back into a relationship with Jake’s dad.  And what a nightmarish ride that has been.  But I digress.  One day shortly after I left the soon to be ex, Peg says, “Tina!  So when are you having another baby??”

“No time soon….I’m getting a divorce,” I tearfully reply.  She was and is very supportive.  And she still wants to set me up with her son.  So a few weeks go by and I give her my number to give to her son.  And no call comes.  He feels weird, she says, having his mom set him up.  I can buy that, so I give her my email, thinking that it would be a more anonymous way to get to know each other.  Again, nothing.  I figured that he wasn’t really interested and didn’t think much about it.

Weeks later, Peg invites me to go to happy hour for a going away party for her daughter, Amanda.  Long story even longer, I end up driving Amanda’s car home since she had too much to drink.  Well, Amanda lives with Chris, the son, and I know Peg well enough to know that she was cooking up something.  We get to Chris’ house and I tell Peg that I’m not going in. 

“He’s coming out,” she replies with a devilish grin.  Not two seconds later,  out walks Chris and Peg introduces us, though we had seen each other before.  I made some stupid joke, as I’m known to do when I’m uncomfortable, and Chris laughed.  Peg sneaked back into her car and I’ve got my hand on the handle to get in her car so she can take me home.  That is when Chris walks toward me, hems and haws and asks me for a date.  He’s so shy, I find it precious.  Yet I know his mother and I’m certain that she threatened not to leave until he asked me out.  I accepted, although I have yet to hear from him. 

I find it wonderful knowing the only date I can get is from a guy who’s mother is threatening and, likely, bribing him to go out with me.  At least it’s not my own mother doing the threatenting and bribing.  Yet.