Healing

Jake’s dad and I had a heart to heart last night.  We both apologized and I told him that I forgive him.

He said, “You do?  I thought you would be resentful…”

He then told me how much it meant for him to hear that and that I was right about him being a good dad and a good friend, but not a good husband.

We talked for almost an hour.  It was the best conversation that we have had in our tumultuous relationship that spans nearly a decade.  I woke up this morning feeling validated and very happy.  I feel that I am able to move forward knowing that I did all that I could and that I was a good wife. 

And, though I am minus a husband, life is good. 

Marriage…or the lack thereof

When I was with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I worked hard to try to live up to his expectations.  I was never good enough, and he constantly complained.  I repeatedly asked him what he wanted from me and I NEVER got a response from him.  And yet he continued to complain.  And he was verbally abusive, then he became physically abusive.  That is where I draw the line.  Many of the issues prior to the abuse were, in my opinion, deal-breakers.  But I stayed and would continue to work to make our home and life a happy one.  I can put up with about anything;  I am resilient and loving and continually look for the good in others.  NO ONE should put up with abuse. 

Now, he continually asks and wonders if I am seeing someone.  He wants to know how single life is treating me.  Single life is not ideal, but it is a hell of a lot better than having someone verbally and physically abuse me IN FRONT OF OUR SON.  And now he questions my actions and lifestyle??  We are not divorced yet.  I would not and could not consider starting a relationship at this point.  And, honestly, it will take me a long time to heal emotionally before I can even think about doing anything like that.  I want to get my life together, myself together.  And now he acts like he cares.  I don’t understand and probably never will.  I do know that a little of this would have gone a long way when we were together.  Now it is too late. 

And it still hurts like hell.

On the upswing…

I have processed my rejection…or as I prefer to call it-postponement-for the job.  I checked their website and there are lots of positions for which I qualify.  And I applied for every single one.  It is best for our divorce to be final before my income changes.  All in good time…and I truly am enjoying my job with the school district.  I love, love, LOVE the people I’m working with and we have tons o’ fun.  But the pay is mediocre and the work itself is rather boring.  It is suitable for now.  Until THE company and the powers that be decide that the time is right to make a career move. 

So with a glass of Riesling in hand, I look forward to the future!  Cheers to the road ahead!

Disappointed

Well, I heard from the company that I interviewed with, the job I was so excited about , and I did not get it.  She did encourage me to continue applying and they were interested in me, for a second interview.  So that is promising.  I am motivated to keep looking at this company, as well as others. And, fortunately, I am not desperate for a job.  I’m earning enough to make ends meet.  I just have loftier goals.  I will get there.

Hold your horses!

One thing that really annoys me and that is incredibly rude is when people who are waiting for an elevator do not wait for those people who are on the elevator to get off before they try to get on.  Since I work on the 6th floor of a hospital I ride the elevator frequently.  I was riding from the 6th floor to the first floor and when the doors opened, the woman barged on without letting me or the gentleman who was also riding, exit.  I tried to stand in her way and stare her down.   She didn’t even acknowledge her rude behavior.  I know that it may seem petty to some people, but freaking common courtesy, people!  Come on!

I don’t mean to get on a rant, but since I’m already on one, can we talk about the traffic jams that occur in elementary school parking lots?!  It is ridiculous! People drive like they are they only person who has to get kids to school.   It makes it a challenge to control my road rage tendencies.   Yesterday a mom drove on the wrong side of the street, towards oncoming traffic.  And today, with all the rain, well that was just a joke. Three different vehicles stopped completely, for several minutes, in the middle of the driveway.  Oh, and for no apparent reason. Sometimes I can understand stupid behavior if there seems to be a reason, but when there is not one, at least one that is not detectable by me, well that just grinds my gears.

Rant over.  On a lighter note, the other day when I was dropping Jake off at school, one of the dads was directing traffic.  The noteworthy part of the story is that he used red and green light sabers to direct traffic. Hilarious!  He was having a ball with it, too.  I think they should hire him to do that everyday.  Lord knows we need it!

And me?  Clearly I need to get a life if these are the types of things that I’m complaining about.  Ugh.

Now why don’t you sing with me…

Last week, my friend Jen was in town from Denver and we were trying to decide what to do with our time.  I suggested going to Ameristar Casino, since we hardly ever go gambling.  Let me preface this story by saying that 1.) I drove, therefore I didn’t drink.  That much.  Jen, however, was quite toasty.  2.) Jen has a four-year-old daughter.

So we are playing blackjack and having fun.  Jen was not doing well and when she was dealt a “12” she would say “F.”  Just the letter.  Not the four-letter word.  I do not cuss like a sailor.  But when I enter an establishment where I KNOW that everyone there is over 21, I, when frustrated, may let the f-bomb or some other expletive fly.  Not just letters, but full words.

The dealer and another guy at our table picked up Jen’s philosophy of saying just the first letter of four-letter words.  “S” “MF” “F” on and on they went with this.  I became quite annoyed.  I don’t know why really.  It just bugged me.  Finally I say, “What is this?  Sesame Street gambling??  This table is brought to you by the letter “F” and the number 12?!”

I thought it was pretty funny.  I could say that you had to be there, but from the three there, I just received blank stares for my tailor-made joke.  I wrote it off as three people who are equally uptight. 

Eff-it!

Back on the wagon…

The healthy living wagon, that is!  I have not had a cigarette for a week!  My cravings have been minimal and I was able to easily resist the temptation today when I went to Starbucks with my dear friend Melanie.  It’s our “thing” to smoke while we have coffee.  She even had my favorites-Dunhills.  She smoked and I talked.  It was great.

I’m eating better-healthier.  I played tennis, walked on the treadmill for 20.  I feel awesome!  And I expect that it will only get better from here!   

Part of my motivation is the anticipation of hearing about a job that I interviewed for last week.  It will be wonderful to work one job and make more than I make from working two jobs.  And less hours.  Potential for advancement, travel, and lots of other perks.  I’m excited to get a “big girl job,” as my sister called it.  I say it’s about freaking time!  But my focus for 8 years has been Jake.  He is growing up to be an amazing man-I couldn’t be more proud.  And I will still be here, just not as available as when I was working for the school district.  I look forward to being able to provide more for him and take him on awesome vacations.  I asked him where he wanted to go on our first vacay and he said, “New York, to see the Eiffel Tower.”  He cracks me up.  We will probably go to NYC on our first trip, but obviously not seeing the Eiffel Tower.  One day we will get to Europe.

I am excited to get my life together.  It will be fantastic!

How I love my sweet boy….

And how he cracks me up.

Jake has been so funny lately.  He has lots of fake tattoos and he asked the other day when he could get some real ink.  I asked him how he knew that and he replied, “Mom, you are looking at a kid who watches a lot of TV.”

He asked me to buy him some Axe body spray, as he has seen the commercials.  So we buy it and he is in the yard, getting ready to douse himself with, what he thinks is chick magnet potion.  “Watch the chicks come running,” he says.  After spraying himself, no chicks in sight, but all the neighborhood dogs are going crazy.  Then my sweet seven-year-old says, “Well, I didn’t get any chicks, but it sure riled up the dogs!”

Jake has also taken to doing a pretty good Christopher Walken impression.  I can not express how hilarious this is.  Jake wants to be an actor and if he can pull off a Walken impression at seven, then I think he has a pretty good shot at it. 

I so enjoy being his mom and my fondness for him grows everyday.  It’s one thing to love your kid because he’s your kid, it’s something altogether different to be able to cherish and appreciate who your child is growing up to be.  I’m so excited for him and his future.

Can’t sleep…

So many thoughts floating in my head…I’ll make a list, then hopefully I can go to bed.  Though the whole thing my not rhyme, it may, just give me time.

1. Why are people so mean?  Do I do something or release some sort of magnetism for rudeness?  First, my husband, then my supervisor.  I’ve worked with people with mental illness for some time now and am completely used to a certain level of rudeness, but with these non-medicated, but clearly in need of it, the level of unacceptable behavior takes on a whole new level.

2. So now that the divorce is almost FINAL, he decides to be nice.  And not just cordial nice.  He’s planning activities, inviting me to events.  This is the man who refused to do anything with me while we were married.  Now he is planning things WEEKS IN ADVANCE.  And this, my friends, is completely out of character for him.  I do appreciate the pleasantries, as it is the best thing for Jake.  But I can’t help but think that this behavior, had it began about 6 months or so ago, would have saved us a considerable amount of money.  So frustrating.  I want answers to questions that I am too afraid to ask.

3. What is wrong with people?  Seriously?  Friends ask repeatedly how I have been able to work on a psych unit for so many years.  It’s not the unit that is so disturbing, it’s the people roaming free untreated and unmedicated, that is truly frightening.  I feel so strongly about it that it gets two items in my list.

4.  I am blessed and grateful to have a few close friends that I can count on and trust.  I don’t know what I would do without them.

5.  Seriously, I need a job that challenges me.  And that pays well.  PLEASE GOD HELP ME TO GET A JOB THAT WILL INSPIRE ME!!  Or at least bulk up my savings allow me to save.

6.  On the other hand, right now, I work two jobs(50+hours/week) and a schedule that allows me to get Jake to and from school. Though I am technically working, I can be at his school within minutes if he needs me.  Sometimes I think I need him more than he needs me.  My question, however,  is it worth it to take a full-time 9-5 job, making more money, but being less available to the Jakester? 

7.  I have so much going on, it’s no wonder I’m having trouble sleeping.  HELP! 

That’s all for now, folks.  I’ll now go to bed and think of all the things that I am thankful for.  Chances are, you are one of them.  Good night!