Life is a push

31 12 2007

In blackjack-ese, that is.  I don’t feel like I’m losing, but I am not really winning either.  So, it could certainly be worse.  It’s better than being dealt a 20, only to watch the dealer turn over a 21.

But I wonder, what if this is as good as it gets?  What can or should I be doing differently?  This is not to be read as a complaint, by any means, only an observation.  The scale tips heavily on the “satisfaction” side of the scale for life in general.  But I still feel like it’s just a push.


Musings on Life

29 12 2007

This evening, I went to Argosy with 2 friends from work and their significant others.  We had dinner, we gambled and then went back for a delectable dessert.  Yum!  Dinner was great.  Gambling was horrible:  I played blackjack and I haven’t seen a beating like that since someone put a banana in this guy’s pants and let the monkey loose.  No really, it was bad.  But I digress….At first, I felt like the fifth wheel and the poor, sad divorcee.  Yet, after really thinking about it, hanging out with these folks gave me hope.  They are all 20+ years older than me and all divorced.  It is possible.  They are happy, they have issues as we all do.  M’s boyfriend takes medication and knows that without it, he just does not function well in a relationship.  So he takes it.  I applaud him.  In fact, I think pretty much everyone should be on, or have some anti-anxiety meds handy.  I suggest we put Xanax salt-licks on street corners.  And at entrances to stores, work places…everywhere.

I am reading a great book by M. Scott Peck, TheRoad Less Travelled and Beyond: Spiritual Growth in an Age of Anxiety.  I have love, love, LOVED every book of his that I have read.  He does an amazing job of taking real life issues and integrating spirituality and Christianity with psychiatric issues and problems.  We all have them.  These reads have changed my life, and how I view people and issues at work and in life.  I highly recommend them.


28 12 2007
Well, I talked to my mom this morning when I got off work.  My step-sis told my step-dad that she didn’t need detox.  Or treatment.  And he is taking her side.  I don’t get it.  I don’t know much about heroine, but I do know that is a much more intense withdrawal than alcohol.  My dad went into cardiac arrest twice from alcohol detox.  I don’t even want to imagine what heroine detox would be like.  My guess is she is just pulling the wool over her dad’s eyes and will continue with her addiction.  Another sad thing about it is that he is blaming everyone BUT her for her problems.  I understand that it has been a pattern for him to do this, but at some point, I would think, as a parent one would wake up and see that the kid needs help.  SERIOUS help.  Like, yesterday.  And it puts such a strain on my mom and their marriage.  All I can do is pray.  And all I want to do right now is SLEEEEEEEP!  Nite-nite

Men and Women

28 12 2007

I have yet to hear anything about my step-sister. I’m working the night shift and I figure no news is good news at this time of day.

I did stumble across this and thought it was quite humorous, especially given my strike outs lately. Nothing particularly bad but nothing fantastic. Certainly nothing worth a second go around.  I think I am old and picky and set in my ways. I lowered my standards before and that is mistake that I will not repeat. Anyway, I hope you find this link as funny as I did.

Two Stories

27 12 2007

The first one is funny.  And the second one is not funny.  At all.  In fact, it is extremely sad.  So we will start with funny.

My friend, Melanie, went to Boston recently and I gave her some money to get Jake a Harvard t-shirt.  Today, I gave the shirt to Jake to wear and explained to him that if he graduates from this university, then he can work anywhere he wants.  His response?  “You mean I can even work in Mexcio?!?”

Yes, that would be my luck.  Shell out 200K for an education and he goes on to make 5 grand PER YEAR working in Mexico.  He totally cracks me up.

Now for the sad.  My step-sister had been on heroine for a while.  She was on it years ago, came clean and now is back on it hard core.  My step-dad has supported her and defended her for years, despite her behavior.  A couple of years ago, she lost custody of her son.  The story is long and she is just a train wreck.  And while I feel some sympathy for her, my heart breaks for my step-dad.  He had tried and given her every opportunity to get her life together.  He gives her tens of thousands of dollars every year to “help” her.  At this time, she is homeless, jobless, friendless and has an incredibly strong addiction.  She agreed to treatment, but then ran off and said she would be back later tonight.  I feel strong empathy for my step-dad because she is doing to him what my dad did to my sisters and I.  Nothing is more frustrating than pouring yourself into someone, hoping and praying this person starts to make GOOD choices and turn his or her life around.  I picture a black hole swirling and all efforts and love and support get sucked in and tossed into nowhere.  The pain that causes is indescribable.  All we can do at this point is pray and hope for her sake and the sake of my step-dad that she can and will pull herself together.  Keep them in your prayer if it crosses your mind.

Merry Christmas

22 12 2007
Working on a psych unit, there are generally times of the year when we slow down and our census is low.  Christmas time is usually one of them.  Not this year.  We have been crazy busy and I have been working tons.

What makes me sad is that the hospital is better than being at home for these people.  I know that many have burned bridges with family and have few, if any friends.  Many do have children, though.  But they prefer being in the hospital.  I can not imagine not wanting to be with friends and family on the holidays.  Even if I had no family, I have friends that I would celebrate with.  It just seems really sad to me.

I noticed myself tonight being extra nice, thoughtful and considerate to the patients.  I didn’t necessarily plan on it, it just happened.  And most are extremely grateful, which reinforces the behavior.  After my shift tonight, I decided that I need to try to be on my game and sincerely meet the needs that arise.  If being in the hospital is better than being at home, then for this week, I am family to these people.  Every little kind act makes such a huge difference.  For the first time in a long time, I am loving my job.  Which is good since I am working so much. 

And it helps me to appreciate all the blessings in my life.  I have a great family, for the most part.  And some wonderful friends.  I am truly blessed.

Christmas Vacation

19 12 2007


There are many perks to working for a school district, one of them being getting 11 days off for Christmas.  I am so excited to only be working one job for a couple of weeks and getting to hang out with Jake. 

Also, I got my Christmas shopping done today!  Yay!  Tons of stuff for Jake, of course and then the other random stuff.  I don’t think I even need to buy any batteries this year.

I am so blessed to work with some wonderful people.  Sue is the quintessential mother.  She is so cute and sweet and she tells it like it is.  And she puts up with no BS.  Marsha is like a sister, we have so much fun!  Sue and her husband are taking Marsha and I to dinner at the Argosy next week.  It will be so fun.  I love having good friends at work-it makes such a huge difference.  Though, I know I juggle many roles, I can do it and think I do it pretty well.  And, for now, at least it’s working.  Tomorrow is my last day of work for the year and I’m so excited and I have the WHOLE day off on Friday.  Friends coming in town, too.  So much to be grateful for.  Most of all….a good night’s sleep!  It’s amazing how much of a difference that makes!