25 01 2008

This week has thoroughly exhausted me:  physically, mentally and emotionally.  Spiritually, I am doing well.  It is the only thing that motivates me to get up in the morning.  I have been stretched this week further than I thought imaginable.  And I feel that I have endured may share of trial.  I am glad this week is over and I am thankful to still be plugging away.  I need about 3 days sleep, though.  And I know that’s not going to happen.  I’m doing well to get three HOURS in a row.  Ugh.  I’m running on fumes, but I will make through this day!  Yay for Friday!


Third Wheel, Yet Again

18 01 2008

Last night I went out to dinner with one of my good friends and her new boyfriend.  Doing something with the both of them is the only way that I am able to see her, since she has cancelled all plans with me over the last two months in order to hang out with him.  I don’t mind that she wants to spend so much time with him, but the fact that she makes and then breaks plans with me is irritating.  Especially when we make plans on a weekend when he has his kids and she cancels to go hang out with him and his kids.  I would prefer she just not make the plans in the first place.  Especially due to the fact that his divorce is not even final.  Wrong in so many ways, I don’t even know where to start.

So the three of us meet for dinner.  I felt invisible for a majority of our short time together.  They would have side conversations or they would sit there and make out.  May I mention that this couple is not in high school, nor have they been for many, many years.  I thought that making out at the dinner table with me sitting there was tacky and rude.  And yet, I prefer this situation to Pornstache.

My life is very, very sad.

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover

16 01 2008

But I did anyway.  And I feel crappy about it.  Kind of.

My mom’s friend had this wonderful guy that she wanted to set me up with.  The plan was for me and my mom to go over to her house and the Suitor would be there and we would fall in love and live happily ever after.  Or something like that.  My first clue to abort the mission should have been the fact that my mother was involved.  She does not see things as I see them. 

So my mom picks me up (this wreaks of a junior high dance) and we arrive at the friend’s house.  I just have two words: pornstache moustache and ponytail.  No and no.  I like facial hair, in appropriate forms, but a caterpillar on your top lip does not fall into that category. 

I kept telling myself to keep an open mind and give the guy a chance, which I did.  And he is friendly and funny.  But he has a pornstache and I just can’t get over that fact.  And I am not about changing a man. 

I know it has been said many times, and due to this situation, it bears repeating….I am a total dork. 

Oh yeah, and I my computer went kaput, so I have to go to the library to use the computer.  What fun.  Gotta run.  It’s closing time at the library.   And they are kicking us out.  I hate the idea of going home to no computer.  Maybe it’s a good thing, but I sure do miss it. =(


14 01 2008

I don’t even know where to begin.  I am thoroughly exhausted and frustrated.  I will start with a positive note to try to turn this mood around.

Yesterday evening, Jake and I went to church.  It was the church that we attended after he was born.  I have many fond memories of holding baby Jake and singing to him during.  He was dedicated at this church.  It was awesome to be back and to have Jake participate in the service.  Now that he can read, he can sing along during worship.  It was a heart-warming moment for me.  I adore that boy.

This weekend at the hospital, while helping a patient, I became injured.  I sprained my wrist and lower back.  They sent me to the ER for x-rays.  It’s not a huge deal, as I can still function due to my high pain tolerance.  I am still in quite a bit of pain, even on meds, which, I think, puts me in a bad mood. 

I have 4 or 5 challenging relationships right now.  With people I am supposedly close too.  I love that I am available to friends and family and really work hard to nurture those relationships.  I feel great frustration when it is not reciprocated or ungratefulness is expressed.  I work hard, I do not have much free time, yet what I do have I reserve or is occupied.  I do not appreciate getting blown off, or having someone complain, when I have gone out of my way to meet a need.  I am tired of trying so hard.  My desire is to do the right thing and be there for people.

I just want to feel like all that I do is not for nothing.  That I actually touch someone’s heart and they feel the love of God through my actions.  That is my hope.  However, that is not the feedback that I am getting.  I need to remember that God is using me to plant seeds, so to speak, in these people.  It’s not about me and how I feel.  And I may or may not see what God is doing is someone’s life, but I have to be available to God.  Ah, I get it now.  What is that so easy to forget??

Now I’m in a better mood.


11 01 2008

I have three things to post about, but will roll them into one because I have been up since 5am.  I went to the gym!  And ran!  Fast!  Well, fast for me, at 30 second intervals, that’s a pretty good start.

So, the ex was telling me about how the women that he has been dating, all remind him of me.  And my biggest concern?  I wasn’t jealous, I was worried that my dog would become more attached to one of them than he is to me.  I know that no one will replace me in Jake’s eyes, ever.  I would hope that his dad would choose someone who would get along with Jake and have his best interests at heart.  And I remind myself that my issue about the dog is not a big deal.  Right? 

I need a new computer.  I have ADD and my computer can not handle me checking this and that and playing solitaire and booting up iTunes and on and on, trying to get it to do 20 quadillion things at once until she locks up on me and then I just want to throw her out the freaking window!!!  I will get one soon. 

I did an admission tonight at the hospital.  It was a post-partum case, the couple came in with their precious baby.  And, anyone who knows me, knows how much I love kids, and babies?  They turn me to mush.  So our secretary puts this sweet family in the hall.  Of a psych unit.  With a BABY!!!!  Seriously, WTH???  I was furious.  It is unlikely that the baby would have been hurt, but I am not one to take risks.  Unless it is my heart on the line and I am putting it in the hands of a complete ass.  Then, apparently, I am all in.  Kidding. 

Anyway, back to this sweet young family.  I lead them into a room where they can be comfortable and safe.  I am going through my admission paperwork, trying to be helpful to this precious family.  Everyone in the room was crying except the baby.  I don’t think they saw me tearing up.  Can you imagine??  Checking into a psych unit and the intake staff can’t keep it together??  Just the thought of this family spending time apart, the dynamics of it all, absolutely broke my heart.  And I ask if they have family to help with the baby.  “No,” the reply.  Oh, Lord, I had to leave.  I really wanted to offer to watch the baby.  I am aware that is crossing the line, professionally.  I still wanted to.

One more thing.  I may have decided what I want to be when (IF) I grow up.  I am going to get and MPA-Master’s in Public Administration.  This degree fits all of my gifts and interests.  So I am going to go for it.  Because, you know, I have SO much free time.

That’s it for today.  I am aware that I am all over the board, but you were warned of my ADD tendencies.  Blessing to all. 

Reason #964 why I need a new job

7 01 2008

So the patient that I mentioned who called me a b#tch, actually called me a f*cking fat a$$ b&tch, several times, reported me to my supervisor.  I’m still not sure what his complaint was but did I must mention he also said that he wanted to “knock my block off.”  I’m not positive, but I think that may be a threat.  This “person” reports me and my boss calls me.  I explained my side.  Honestly, it would not break my heart if I got fired.  What is the point in treating someone in this manner?  Ugh. 

How to know you are working too much…

7 01 2008

1. You get into an argument with an elderly patient with dementia.  And she wins.

2. There is a laundry pile the size of a mini-Cooper in your room.

3. When you get home from a long night at work, you not only forget to lock the door, you forget to shut it.  Not good.

4. Your son grows 4 inches since you’ve seen him last.  😦

5. You get into another argument with another patient because he called you a “BITCH.”  Repeatedly. 

6. You feel like you have taken leave of your senses.  Or they have taken a leave from you??

7. You are the only one laughing at your “jokes.”

8. You work 40 hours in 3 days.  And sleep only 8 hours in 3 days.

I keep telling myself that I will slow down.  I just don’t know if I can.  I try…I really do.  I do take days off more, but for months, I have worked between 50-70 hours per week, averaging around 60+.  I’m cranky and tired.  I have scheduled myself only 6 shifts at the hospital for the month of January.  I am sure that I will work more, but at least I am not going into the month knowing that I will be working 60+ hours per week. 

I’m taking a “vacation” too.  I am going to Denver to see my friend Jen for a weekend.  It will be a blast and I am so excited to get away.

My goal for the new year is to make good choices.  So far, it has gone well.  I quite smoking.  Again.  I feel better and my energy is better.  I am eating better and will get to the gym tomorrow.  I attended church and it was awesome.  Love it.  Can’t wait to go next week.  I am working on being nicer.  Working on a psych unit tends to make one a little edgy…to say the least.  I am here to make money…not friends.  But I can still be nicer.  There is more, I’m sure, but that is all my tired mind is able to recall. 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~ Plato