14 01 2008

I don’t even know where to begin.  I am thoroughly exhausted and frustrated.  I will start with a positive note to try to turn this mood around.

Yesterday evening, Jake and I went to church.  It was the church that we attended after he was born.  I have many fond memories of holding baby Jake and singing to him during.  He was dedicated at this church.  It was awesome to be back and to have Jake participate in the service.  Now that he can read, he can sing along during worship.  It was a heart-warming moment for me.  I adore that boy.

This weekend at the hospital, while helping a patient, I became injured.  I sprained my wrist and lower back.  They sent me to the ER for x-rays.  It’s not a huge deal, as I can still function due to my high pain tolerance.  I am still in quite a bit of pain, even on meds, which, I think, puts me in a bad mood. 

I have 4 or 5 challenging relationships right now.  With people I am supposedly close too.  I love that I am available to friends and family and really work hard to nurture those relationships.  I feel great frustration when it is not reciprocated or ungratefulness is expressed.  I work hard, I do not have much free time, yet what I do have I reserve or is occupied.  I do not appreciate getting blown off, or having someone complain, when I have gone out of my way to meet a need.  I am tired of trying so hard.  My desire is to do the right thing and be there for people.

I just want to feel like all that I do is not for nothing.  That I actually touch someone’s heart and they feel the love of God through my actions.  That is my hope.  However, that is not the feedback that I am getting.  I need to remember that God is using me to plant seeds, so to speak, in these people.  It’s not about me and how I feel.  And I may or may not see what God is doing is someone’s life, but I have to be available to God.  Ah, I get it now.  What is that so easy to forget??

Now I’m in a better mood.



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