It’s only a name

9 02 2008

When I got married and then divorced, I kept his last name because it was Jake’s last name.  At the time, I thought that it was very important.  And I guess it is.  I just miss MY last name more and more everyday.  I never really cared for it before.  It probably has to do with the fact that my maiden name is four letters and now my last name has TWELVE letters.  It takes me three months to write a check.  I am not even kidding.  I like that Jake and I have the same last name, I just don’t want to be associated with HIM.  Hmmph.  I shoulda thought of that before I married him.

Speaking of him, he mentioned something he thought I needed and how he was going to buy it for me for my birthday.  HUH??  This is from the man that didn’t buy my anything for Christmas, Valentine’s Day or my birthday last year when we were married.  And it’s not just about “buying” me anything.  Any kind thought or effort would have been greatly appreciated.  Any crumb that he threw at me I gobbled up like it was a Thanksgiving feast.  It makes me sick to think about how I was when I was with him.  Gross, gross, gross.

It also makes me sick, sick, sick to think about how I will not likely trust another man.  EVER.  I will be fine alone, but that is not how I pictured my life.  I thought I would have a few more kids and watch the grandkids with my loving husband.  I am glad about making steps for my life to be positive and happy.  I am just sad that this is not what I pictured.  I need to let go of MY WILL for my life and embrace GOD’S WILL.  I will.

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