3 06 2009

i am participating in 365 with my goal being general self improvement, namely working on trust issues, weight loss and working on living a healthier lifestyle.


Birthday Blahday

26 02 2009

I should know better than to work on my birthday. Especially when said work is dealing with 12 shades of crazy.   Right now, I am arguing with a patient who is delirious. I am not even kidding. I see a whole mess of mimosas in my very near future.

I found out this week that Jake’s dad has a girlfriend, which is big news for me-in a good way. I knew that he would have to more on before I did. Not in a conceited way. I just know that I am better able to deal than he is.  My issues with the situation are how she and her kids treat Jake and that she calls my dog, her dog.   The dog thing irritates me, but I have let it go.   I talk to Jake about the woman’s son and he acts like he doesn’t have fun.  And we both are treading in new territory.

I am excited and feel a sense of liberation. Not that I felt obligated, I just know his limitations and am sensitive to them. And it would drive him crazy to know another man was hanging out with Jake.   Little does he know, my boundaries regarding Jake and introducing someone new, are quite different than his. 

Anyway, it feels good to think about a fresh start.

Financial advice.

20 02 2009

This is someone you want to take financial advice from. And he is totally sober, fo sho.


19 02 2009

It’s been a while. I think I will start utilizing this outlet more. I have been pretty FB obsessed for a while, therein the drama, or at least some of it, lies.

I started school (AGAIN) in January and really determined to change careers. Working full-time, school full-time and raise Jake. I can do this.

In January, I got into an argument with my mom. We were on the phone and I asked her a question, a reasonable question, she screams at me and hangs up. The issue was that she had wronged Jake and he deserved an apology. She does not apologized. EVER.  And it is a trait that my youngest sister inherited from her. Anyway, I don’t talk to my mom for 2 weeks. This is a big deal; I usually talk to my mom and each of my sisters about every other day. Then she calls, says she is making lunch and asks Jake and I to come over. Like nothing ever happened. So we go over and walk in the door. I tell my mom that she has something to say to Jake. She throws a fit about it, but she does apologize to him.

Now on to my younges sister. I don’t even know how it started. Somewhere in the argument she starts ranting about me being friends with her friends on FB and getting mad about me commenting to her friends. Well, “her friends” are kids that I have known for over 15 years. Yes, they are originally her friends, but I have got to know them, their spouses and their kids over the years. Insane and immature was the disagreement. Every time we would try to resolve the issue, I would affirm her complaints. She continually attacked my character when I thought we were attempting to resolve the issue. It was a downward spiral. She would attack my character and I would confront her about it and she would say, “I’m sorry, but…” and what came after negated the apology and was usually another insult or attack to my character. It helped me realize how she really thought of me. Which, upon further analysis, I realized that she was just projecting on to me how she felt about herself.

So both situations are resolved. And I am left thinking, “What, in the past two months, has changed?” My mom and my sisters are all in dissatisfying marriages. The marriage I had (if you want to call it that) was bad. Yet, in some ways, was the best of the four. I got out. I knew I deserved better. Well, I don’t know if I really knew that. I just needed out. And that drove a wedge between my mom and my sisters and me. But in a lot of ways, I was still miserable. Leaving and the divorce were hard on me in the fact that I knew how hard it was on Jake. Someone can hurt me all they want, I am used to it. Mess with my boy?? It is on like Donkey Kong. Now that I am doing well, bettering myself, I think it, well I don’t really know what it does to them. All I know is how they treat me and Jake. Jake is very happy and well adjusted. His dad and I get along-I determined to do that for Jake’s sake-very well, actually. I am moving forward. And for whatever reason, it disrupts my family. The insight I get is from materials that I read at work for the groups I do with the patients. It was divine intervention because this division between me and my family has really bothered me. I want to know what I could do or could have done differently. I analyze it, too much, probably, and I know, looking back, I could have made better choices about certain things. However, the underlying issue is always the same. Any change in the dysfunction sends them haywire. I understand their limitations, as I do my own, and I realized that they are doing the best they can and the best they know how to do. I just wish they could be happy for me.

Great Loss

7 11 2008

Overall, not necessarily a bad day.  Just a bad day in regards to one issue in my life.

For YEARS, one of the ladies that I work with has wanted to set me up with her son.  At first, I was skeptical.  I mean, how bad does it have to be for your MOTHER to set you up on a date?  And then I got back together with Jake’s dad.  And then I got married.  And my friend was so pissed at me when I got married that she would not talk to me from the time I got engaged to the time I left him, which was about a year.  No sooner did the words, “I’m getting divorced,” come out of my mouth and she is back wanting to set us up again.  By now, though, I had seen him.  CUUUUTE.  I was shocked.  I saw him from time to time since he worked at the hospital.  Our interactions were fun and he seemed like a happy-go-lucky type of person.

So this summer we finally went out.  It was a budding romance.  I liked him and could see that this was a relationship that could go somewhere.  We have a lot in common and maintain our own interests.  And just when I start to get excited about the potential, he dies.  Drops dead at the age of thirty one.  It still breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.  I do not trust easily, at all.  To find someone I find worthy of my trust is a near miracle.  Now he is gone forever.

What saddens me more than anything is thinking of, talking to and praying for his family.  They lost another son/brother 14 years ago and it was devastating for them.  Now this.  I have trouble wrapping my head around this.  I can hardly believe it.  How and WHY would God allow this to happen to them AGAIN. 

The fact that my friend still manages to get up and get dressed is awesome.   She is the most amazing person that I have ever known.  I can not and do not want to imagine what her pain must feel like. 

If you think of it, pray for them.


2 11 2008

My goal is to participate and write and blog everyday for the month of November.  This is my first entry.  Lame.  Yes.  Deal with it.

What a day, what a day.

6 10 2008

And not in a good way.  So many things to blog about-I will start with the trip to McDonald’s.  Let me preface this by saying the food is ick (though the fries are good) and in the Play land?  I can practically see germs crawling around.  BLEECH!  Despite all of my angst toward Mickey D’s, my sister and I agreed to meet there today for lunch.  The kids love it and they get toys and, hopefully, exhaust themselves into an early afternoon nap.  So the adventure begins.

Jake and Kayla run off to play, my sister runs to get food and I am holding the baby.  A girl, with apparently no boundaries, walks up, starts TOUCHING THE BABY (this is the first time that I nearly freak) and then asks if she can hold the baby.  I tell her that she will have to ask the baby’s mom, who is getting food.  Then this girl, who is about 8 or 9 says, “So are you the grandma?”  Thirty-five year old grandma?  RIIIIGHT.  The girl meets my sister at the door and follows her to the table.  “Can I hold your baby?” the girl said.  My sister said no with her mouth, but her face said “Over my dead body.”

As we are enjoying? our food, the same girl and her brother are literally hovering over us as we eat.  Looking at Jake’s and Kayla’s toys, picking up and touching things that do not belong to them and touching the baby-basically trying to send me over the edge.  I realize this is not a fine dining establishment;  we are trying to enjoy an afternoon with family.  Is that too much to ask??

My sister had also brought a bag of suckers with tissue tied around them, so they look like little ghosts.  The girl came over and picked one up, looked at it and kept talking about it.  Finally, my sister told her she could have it and then shooed her away, only to have her brother come up to get a sucker.  No big deal, I suppose.  I do not allow Jake to act like that because I think it is rude to touch other people’s things.  To each their own.

I realize that I do not know the story behind why these children act as they do.  I believe in teaching children boundaries in this scary world and definitely some manners.  I know I sound like a total bitch.  Remember though, I was just accused of being a GRANDMA.